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Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Emptiness

This is going to be hard to write so soon, but it seems to be therapeutic for me. I hope it doesn't offend anyone. 

Yesterday, I became a statistic. and it broke my heart. 

Did you know, 1 out of every 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage? I was that one. 
This will be an emotional post, as it is so raw but I am struggling with my emotions and everything and want to curl up and cry. 
I cant do that. 
I have a 14 month old son to look after, as well as myself.

We found out only last week that we were expecting our second child together. We had mixed emotions and lots of heart-to-heart talks as Jack is still so young, and we were looking to expand our family in around 6 months, not quite yet, but nonetheless we were both happy with the news. We had just got our heads around it, and the logistics. We hadn't told our families yet, although I had told a few close friends, despite how early it was in the trimester. 
I knew I was pregnant before I did the tests (plural!) as had the same symptoms as I had with Jack early on. Nauseous, exhaustion and dizziness. I was also late on my period, but they have been so random and sporadic anyway since having Jack.
Silly things made me panic - "ahh I will need a double buggy, Jack wont quite be two." Then the whole emotional aspects of pregnancy, birth and recovery came flooding back. I don't want the same recovery again! Paul was insistent that I would have a C/S this time after what happened before, and we would also try another hospital for this baby. 
Things were panning out, and I was looking forward to breastfeeding again, but with all the knowledge I now have of things like latch, tongue tie and the whole range of things you don't know the first time. 
The days went on and I was feeling very rough and tired. I wasn't sure how I would cope with two under two! But we would. 
Paul was very chilled and supportive. As always.

However, on Saturday (it is now Tuesday) I had some light spotting. No biggie, I had this with Jack - lots. I didn't panic, and didn't go to the doctors. I went to work and all was well, but I was still bleeding. which was a bit uneasy for me. I did another pregnancy test to ease my mind. Still preggo. Yay! 
That night I had cramps like period pain and more bleeding. This wasn't going away. I woke up Sunday very tearful as I was hungry and didn't feel sick at all. I had no appetite previously and was super nauseous so I knew something wasn't right. 
I also knew that it was a Sunday and nothing can be done if you got to A&E or hospital with bleeding as there scans are not in use on a Sunday. We had been there, done that with Jack. I rode it out, all the while hoping it would be ok and our little bean would be fine. I knew deep down it was more than spotting. 
I asked Paul to take Monday morning off work and come to the EPU at St George's in Tooting. They have a fantastic morning walk-in clinic that is open 08:30 - 11:00 for pregnant women. You can go and self refer and don't need a letter from your GP, and in all honesty, your GP will just send you there anyway. They are lovely there and you wait to be seen and have an internal ultrasound. 
Paul was always saying it would be ok, it would be Nothing, it's the Same As We Had Before. I knew it wasn't.
After around 1 hour of waiting, I got called into have my scan. They poked around and then I knew it wasn't ok as she never said all is good, here is your baby. She called another specialist in. She then said I am sorry there is no pregnancy in the womb. we need to check around to see if we can see anything else. I burst out crying, as did Paul and he held my hand. I lay there sobbing, with Paul stroking my head, knowing things were about to turn to shit whilst they scanned internally, poking and asking where it hurt. My bowels were obscuring their view and they needed to do a blood test to see if I had an ectopic pregnancy. This is when the egg attaches in the fallopian tube, which, if left untreated can be fatal. 
I can honestly say, this was the worst time of my life. I was so glad Paul was with me, although I wanted to comfort him too. 
I had my blood test as they explained what had happened, and yes, I had lost the baby. I was approx 6 weeks pregnant, so thankfully it wasn't too far into the pregnancy, but still I mourned over what would have been. I know at this early stage, the baby is tiny. about the size of a lentil. I have found out that although it was this tiny, it had early features - a head, dark spots where eyes and nostrils will form, ears are marked and buds are formed that will grow into the arms and legs...still tiny but growing.  
This still does not take away that we were already looking forward to having another and both scared and excited about it. Whilst we waited for the blood tests results (approx 1 hour) Paul rang my mum to tell her. We hadn't even told her (or Paul's family) that I was pregnant yet. And he had to call her to not only tell her I was pregnant, but had a miscarriage. 
I got the blood tests back and was told "great news it's not ectopic!" she then apologised, for saying great news. But I understood from a medical point of view what she meant. She then handed me a leaflet on 'Early Pregnancy Loss'. From a huge stack of them in her office. That made me really sad, that they had such a large stack, and clearly had to hand them out quite often. I was reminded of becoming a statistic as she told me it wasn't my fault, 1/4 end this way, and why. I just wanted to get out of there. We went to the pub and had a drink. I had two nice G&Ts and we tried to think positive. Although it was really shit.
I already hate the term "lost the baby" - it implies I dropped it, I lost it, it was my fault. I have been struggling ever since to be honest,  and every sympathetic hug, or look or "are you ok?" sends me spinning. 

I came home to my lovely little boy, who came walking over exclaiming "mamma!" and giving me a huge kiss. I am forever grateful for having him, and we still hope to have another child. Although I will be such a paranoid mum-to-be next time, about any bleeding and cramping. 

I have the doctors this afternoon, this appointment was already booked for me to discuss my antenatal care. Now I have to tell her what happened instead. That I am no longer with child. That I am now just crying and in pain. And don't know what to do or say.

The nurses at St George's said I would bleed for around 2 weeks probably and to take painkillers for the cramping. This is the worst part for me. I am bleeding a lot. Every toilet trip I see more blood and cry again. I don't want to see this. A cruel reminder as to what happened. As are the cramps. Every twinge I think I hate you. Please stop hurting me. I want to feel ok, be ok. I don't want sympathy. I just want this to stop. 





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